War Zone • 03.16.10
For the first time in 2 years I feel like a cancer patient. All the unfortunate, horrible things that people say about cancer, I feel like I have had to deal with in the past couple weeks. The mental stress, the anxiety, the worry and the pain of everything that HAS happened and about to happen, has accumulated. As of now, I am feeling all of it! Up until about a month ago I don’t feel as though I had gotten terribly sick, but this last month I have felt more awful than I could have imagined. Dealing with the expected side affects of chemo, namely the nausea and headaches were bad, but they were not the worst of it. I think the worse part is the mental stress that I have had to endure. All the doctor appointments, precautionary measures, drugs, surgery and unexpected turns that have happened are the scariest. I feel like I have little or no patience and feel irritable all the time. I keep thinking that I REALLY need this part of my life to be over. Honestly, I almost feel as though I have forgotten what a normal life feels like. With this obtrusive tube hanging down from my chest attached by a really irritating bandage, it is impossible to escape this reality. AND I want too so badly. I know that one day soon I will be better, but WHEN just seems to get blurrier as this battle gets harder.
Last week COH harvested my stem cells on a machine that was taller than me, and twice the size. It had a lot of tubes that all had a part in taking about 200ml of blood out of me, separating my stem cells into a bag, and then giving me all of my remaining blood back. I never really got sick or cold it was just boring. Sitting down for 4 hours doing nothing, blah. I harvested 8.1 million stem cells on the first day, which was very good (according to the nurse). We harvested a second day just for precautionary measures (in case the stem cells didn’t harvest properly, or something happened to the bag). I just recently got a little energy back. The aches that the neupogen gave me were horrible. It was two shots I gave to myself for 10 days. It kicked into gear my bone marrow to produce more stem cells. Success!
Tomorrow, on March 16th I will enter a war zone. It is me vs. the cancer and the theater of war is the “bubble” at COH. I will be in the hospital for around 25 days, give or take a few. Being sick is expected, how sick I have no idea and this is where that mental stress, fear and worry kicks up. It sucks because a lot of it can’t even be prevented. Yes, there are drugs to help nausea, headaches, body aches, dehydration, and infection… but in reality the chemotherapy is too strong. The body cannot endure these drugs by itself. Whenever I think about what chemotherapy is, I cannot allow myself to believe it is poison. Why would I want to poison my body? How can poison kill a disease and not affect my body? I keep asking myself questions like this fearful that the cancer and treatment I have today is going to affect my life in the future. How can it not? Is it possible to have all this poison in your body and be ok? No way around it, Cancer is a horrible life-changing event.
I have been on a crazy roller coaster that has brought me up and down throughout this whole experience. I am definitely on the down part now. I need to stay focused mentally to endure the next 25 days. I think this is going to be crucial. I hate hospitals as it is, but being sick, uncomfortable and scared all at the same time is not something I’m looking forward to. My mom asks me how I am preparing for this, or what I need to do to get ready, and I don’t have an answer. I don’t want to hear about what is going to happen, or read too much about it because my anxiety skyrockets. I no longer have a choice. This is the treatment. Trusted doctors say it is my best chance at a cure. For me, I would rather handle it day-by-day or moment-by-moment. How does a person get ready to be sick? Get ready to throw up or get mouth sores? If you can’t prevent it, you just have to deal. Throughout this whole experience I have dealt with it day by day, and so far it has seemed to work.
For the hospital I have every season of Lost, which I have never seen, along with every season of Entourage, which I have not seen (thanks Papa). I have a lot of movies, a book (which we all know I won’t read), my laptop and awesome headphones. I have a Dodger and a Laker blanket, a Kobe poster, and a Dodger flag. I definitely have enough to make this foreign place feel like home. Once I leave the hospital I will be on a restrictive low bacteria diet. There are a lot of foods that I cannot eat, which include cream cheese, raw vegetables, refrigerated salsa, and many others. Please feel free to cook something creative, if not for me, then for my family. I need to be out of large public areas for about 100 days following my transplant. After that I am off to Vegas for my 21st!
As I enter the hospital I will have my cell phone and so will my mom. Feel free to contact us at any time. I can’t promise I will answer, but I look forward to seeing everybody when I get out with, what someone else called, a rebooted immune system.
Although I won’t be able to see most of you, I would love cards. (No balloons or flowers allowed). Here is where you can send them. (City of Hope Helford Hospital 1500 E. Duarte Rd.Duarte, Calif. 91010 ATTN: Ben Teller Room 5115)
Coming out with a new immune system in 25 days,
Ben
