I know EXACTLY what you are going through. Although I haven’t had the stem cell transplant, when I was first diagnosed and had my first chemotherapy treatment (MACOP-B) my white counts went so low they had a hard time finding anything to count and I required several transfusions to build my platelet counts up to prevent massive internal and external bleeding. I was in reverse isolation for nearly 34 days in the hospital and did some of the same things you just described above (including yell and curse the toilet, along with praying from the bathtub). After 8 rounds of chemotherapy and now being declared in remission from Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, I am still going through the same bullshit you described – the weakness, the melancholy moods, and in my case the utter physical destruction my body has undergone that prevents me from recovering as fast as I’d like. I want to get in a gym so bad but my legs have not fully recovered and basically flip me the bird every day. I know you must probably feel like asking yourself “when the hell is this crap going to end?”, but trust me, it will get better. I know, because I thought the same thing, and I still have those thoughts to this day, but little by little, you will get your strength back and the depression will lift.

I can see you’re already slowing up to enjoy the good things in life, the simple things like fresh air and blue skies. Don’t ever lose sight of that because those are the things that will get you through each day and lift your spirits in the future.

I can’t tell you how much it meant to me when I read your hand written note on the back of the envelope that you shipped my “Cuck Fancer” bracelets in. I showed it to everyone in the office at work. I now have 10 co-workers who wear a LiveStrong bracelet and a Cuck Fancer bracelet right next to it every day with me in solidarity in our fight against cancer. Every one of us has been touched by cancer, and I think of you every day when I look down at my green bracelet. I’m 36 and I too also want to raise millions of dollars for cancer research one day. Give me a ring sometime when you’re back on your feet and feeling better and we’ll do it together.

Fellow Survivor,

Joe Goedereis