War Zone
For the first time in 2 years I feel like a cancer patient. All the unfortunate, horrible things that people say about cancer, I feel like I have had to deal with in the past couple weeks. The mental stress, the anxiety, the worry and the pain of everything that HAS happened and about to happen, has accumulated. As of now, I am feeling all of it! Up until about a month ago I don’t feel as though I had gotten terribly sick, but this last month I have felt more awful than I could have imagined. Dealing with the expected side affects of chemo, namely the nausea and headaches were bad, but they were not the worst of it. I think the worse part is the mental stress that I have had to endure. All the doctor appointments, precautionary measures, drugs, surgery and unexpected turns that have happened are the scariest. I feel like I have little or no patience and feel irritable all the time. I keep thinking that I REALLY need this part of my life to be over. Honestly, I almost feel as though I have forgotten what a normal life feels like. With this obtrusive tube hanging down from my chest attached by a really irritating bandage, it is impossible to escape this reality. AND I want too so badly. I know that one day soon I will be better, but WHEN just seems to get blurrier as this battle gets harder.
Last week COH harvested my stem cells on a machine that was taller than me, and twice the size. It had a lot of tubes that all had a part in taking about 200ml of blood out of me, separating my stem cells into a bag, and then giving me all of my remaining blood back. I never really got sick or cold it was just boring. Sitting down for 4 hours doing nothing, blah. I harvested 8.1 million stem cells on the first day, which was very good (according to the nurse). We harvested a second day just for precautionary measures (in case the stem cells didn’t harvest properly, or something happened to the bag). I just recently got a little energy back. The aches that the neupogen gave me were horrible. It was two shots I gave to myself for 10 days. It kicked into gear my bone marrow to produce more stem cells. Success!
Tomorrow, on March 16th I will enter a war zone. It is me vs. the cancer and the theater of war is the “bubble” at COH. I will be in the hospital for around 25 days, give or take a few. Being sick is expected, how sick I have no idea and this is where that mental stress, fear and worry kicks up. It sucks because a lot of it can’t even be prevented. Yes, there are drugs to help nausea, headaches, body aches, dehydration, and infection… but in reality the chemotherapy is too strong. The body cannot endure these drugs by itself. Whenever I think about what chemotherapy is, I cannot allow myself to believe it is poison. Why would I want to poison my body? How can poison kill a disease and not affect my body? I keep asking myself questions like this fearful that the cancer and treatment I have today is going to affect my life in the future. How can it not? Is it possible to have all this poison in your body and be ok? No way around it, Cancer is a horrible life-changing event.
I have been on a crazy roller coaster that has brought me up and down throughout this whole experience. I am definitely on the down part now. I need to stay focused mentally to endure the next 25 days. I think this is going to be crucial. I hate hospitals as it is, but being sick, uncomfortable and scared all at the same time is not something I’m looking forward to. My mom asks me how I am preparing for this, or what I need to do to get ready, and I don’t have an answer. I don’t want to hear about what is going to happen, or read too much about it because my anxiety skyrockets. I no longer have a choice. This is the treatment. Trusted doctors say it is my best chance at a cure. For me, I would rather handle it day-by-day or moment-by-moment. How does a person get ready to be sick? Get ready to throw up or get mouth sores? If you can’t prevent it, you just have to deal. Throughout this whole experience I have dealt with it day by day, and so far it has seemed to work.
For the hospital I have every season of Lost, which I have never seen, along with every season of Entourage, which I have not seen (thanks Papa). I have a lot of movies, a book (which we all know I won’t read), my laptop and awesome headphones. I have a Dodger and a Laker blanket, a Kobe poster, and a Dodger flag. I definitely have enough to make this foreign place feel like home. Once I leave the hospital I will be on a restrictive low bacteria diet. There are a lot of foods that I cannot eat, which include cream cheese, raw vegetables, refrigerated salsa, and many others. Please feel free to cook something creative, if not for me, then for my family. I need to be out of large public areas for about 100 days following my transplant. After that I am off to Vegas for my 21st!
As I enter the hospital I will have my cell phone and so will my mom. Feel free to contact us at any time. I can’t promise I will answer, but I look forward to seeing everybody when I get out with, what someone else called, a rebooted immune system.
Although I won’t be able to see most of you, I would love cards. (No balloons or flowers allowed). Here is where you can send them. (City of Hope Helford Hospital 1500 E. Duarte Rd.Duarte, Calif. 91010 ATTN: Ben Teller Room 5115)
Coming out with a new immune system in 25 days,
Ben
March 16th, 2010 at 2:30 pm
Hey, Ben: This note is from Pam Bennett’s sister. As Pam’s told you, our mom had a stem cell transplant at City of Hope about a year-and-a-half ago. Hey, if a 68-year-old lady can get through it, we know YOU can, you young whippersnapper. Even those of us who don’t know you well are all out here rooting for you. Feel the love, Ben….feel the love.
March 16th, 2010 at 4:32 pm
Ben, You don’t know me, but I feel as if I know you. Your mother and I have been friends for more than 30 years. I just want you to know that if I could take your fear, pain and illness away, I would do that for your mother, and you. As you endure the next 25 days, and all it has to throw at you, please know that I am in your corner, along with all of your friends and family, praying that you have an easy go of it. Maybe you can think of yourself as a role model for all of us, and show us how to conquer this disease, as you have to this point…with dignity and class.
God speed Ben.
Brian Smith
Diamond Lake Resort,
Owensboro, Kentucky
March 16th, 2010 at 8:07 pm
“ctrl+alt+del” and do it!
We are waiting for the pictures from Vegas.
We’ll be in touch.
Cuck it harder!!!
March 16th, 2010 at 8:20 pm
Ben,
You also don’t know me, but I have spent many hours reading your posts. You were an inspiration to me when I was first diagnosed with Stage IIIbe Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma back in October in 2009. I found you from the StandUp2Cancer web site and you immediately became a bookmark in my browser. Your style of writing and your humor made me laugh while I spent over 34 of the darkest days in the hospital in reverse isolation due to Neutropenia, and then 5 months of pure friggin’ hell while in chemotherapy. I am now happy to report that I was just declared to be in remission as of February 26, 2010 and I can, in part, thank you for helping me to get there through your writings and your inspiration.
Know that we are all pulling for you and sending prayers, good vibes, and hope your way. You will beat this mother – I’m sure of it. If there is anything I can do to help you in your cause, please let me know. I’m buying some bracelets tonight and sending all my friends to your site as well.
In Solidarity,
Joe Goedereis
Port St. Lucie, Florida
March 17th, 2010 at 10:07 am
Sweet Ben,
Your strength and determination will be the light that guides you through the next 25 days.
One day at a time my sweet, precious friend.
You, Ben Teller…are my hero.
I love you,
Shari
March 17th, 2010 at 11:55 am
Hi Ben,
I’m CJ’s grandma. As you know, I had a stem cell transplant at City of Hope 3 1/2 years ago. No two experiences are alike. I totally understand your concerns (fears, worries). I have to say I especially understood your comment about the Hickman Catheter and my happiest day was when they took it out. It was, as you said, a daily reminder of your cancer and it wouldn’t let you forget for a minute what was going on. BUT, you WILL get through this and little by little you will get back everything you have temporarily lost. I was in COH 19 days. When I came home Pam and Linda each spent one night with me and then I said I was okay to go it alone, except for food runs. Within a few weeks I was driving to the grocery store for myself and it’s been uphill ever since. You will have what I best describe as really YUKKY! days after they give you your stem cells but they work really hard to ward off all of the medical problems they have told you about. I suggest that, you need your own tooth brush, not the foam thing they give you. Have several extra pairs of jamies. Ask constantly for ice. You need to drink alot of water and it’s better cold. Eat your sorbet first when it’s served at dinner ’cause it’s already half melted. Your appetite will be really off because your taste buds are totally shot but they will moniter what you don’t eat and give you intravenous feedings if necessary. They moniter your weight like crazy. Try and sleep as much as you can. I couldn’t wait until 9:00 when I got my sleeping pill. I used earplugs too. Leave your door open. Walk as much as you can and when you can’t do it anyway. You’re going to be fine. Oh, no pain……just really YUKKY! Hard to talk for any length of time so sometimes I asked a caller to tell me what’s going on in their life cause I just didn’t have the strength to talk. I’m praying for you everyday. And did I mention I’m in remission 3 1/2 years now and off all drugs for my Multiple Myeloma. God Bless You and your family.
Ginny
March 22nd, 2010 at 3:25 pm
ben, keep your chin up. every yucky day is one closer to this nitemare being over! you can beat this! all our love and prayers for the next 25 days…….x x
March 23rd, 2010 at 12:37 pm
Ben, I just saw your blog through a link on our lymphoma forum – just wanted to say GOOD LUCK man, you can do this! You’re attitude is amazing. I’ll say a prayer that you get outta there in record time. Until then…chin up! Fists out! Fight like hell.
From one lymphoma survivor to another – CUCK FANCER!!!!!!!!
Kerri S from ATL, GA
April 5th, 2010 at 3:48 pm
Ben,
.
You are in our heart, thoughts, and prayers. You are an inspiration to all of us Ben.
All of our love,
Mrs. McKenzie and your friends at Hale Middle School~
April 11th, 2010 at 12:22 am
Hi Ben
I came across your website while trying to look up info about my transplant Im due to have in a few weeks. I’m 23 and from England, and I totally empathise with your situation, and can say with complete honesty that I do know largely how you feel. I was diagnosed nov 2009 with acute lymphoblastic leukaemia. After months of chemo I’m now weeks away from a stemcell transplant, probably sharing the same concerns and fears that you have.
I like your war analogy, and have uses it to explain this to my family (I’m a bioscience student and so unfortunately understand what’s going on all too well). I also will have a war going on, except my body will be taken hostage as collateral because I’m having a donor’s stemcells and they are going to attack my body a little bit.
I just wanted to let you know I wish you the best of luck – hope it went/is going well.
All the best
Jamie
April 11th, 2010 at 12:36 am
Hey Ben,
I also don’t know you but I’ve been reading your blog since it was mentioned on the SU2C Website. My two grandfathers died from cancer when I was little so I didn’t experience it. But my dad is a researcher (who also worked in City of Hope for two years) and I’ve been in contact with cancer and it’s treatments from a young age.
This summer I’ll fly over from Germany, where I live and shadow the researchers in CoH, so that’s a great opportunity. But what I wanted to say was that some days ago my aunt got diagnosed with breast cancer. We don’t know how bad it is yet but I can finally really understand what your family must be going trough and they have my greatest respect.
You, Ben, created an amazing blog with such positive energy that it makes me happy to read about what a fighter you’ve been. Cuck Fancer! I know that you can.
By the way, I’m only 16 years old and I had a group created for you and SU2C in a very large german network that’s called schülervz.net. We have 47 members and I bet they’re all reading your blog.
So please know that your story has spread over to even Germany and that you are in our thoughts.
With the best wishes,
Hannah